So I went yesterday to see someone about this huge block in my life. This driving beast that has been on my back for years. The one that stares me down and makes me sweat just looking at the car. The fear that is so pervasive, yet my logical side makes fun of my emotional self for not being able to conquer. It’s like I’m my own bully about this whole thing.
The strange thing is that she told me that this ginormous fear has nothing to really do about driving. It has to do with being afraid to do things alone and to believe in the power of myself. That the block is actually that I’m afraid to be alone and struggle to deem myself worthy of skills and power it takes to do something. It’s trusting that I will be a good steward of fates, both my own and others. Not being afraid of the impact that being me and living my life will have on others. With such great potential, yet fearful that it’s going to get away from me like a firehose in a toilet paper factory.
When I’m practicing, my fiancee always tells me to think that the car is an extension of myself. I always struggle to both see and to operate in that flow. It never kinda clicks for me. It’s like groping in the dark sometimes. But in thinking of what she then said, perhaps is some of the challenge is that I don’t trust myself or my judgement and so I struggle to find the extension of the self that I’m afraid to trust. There is always a skeptics self to tell myself that my choices will injure someone – mentally or physically.
I have to find that piece that helps me to find my value. To develop it. To realize my skills and use them – writing, bookkeeping, people management and not call it a fluke or some stroke of luck instead of something I hone or should treasure. To use the helping of others to take that spark and fan it. To say “I deserve this” or “You belong here” and BELIEVE IT. To let that spark be fire and that fire to be power to change my world.