….ok not really. But I am full of holes. Allow me to elaborate. You see, I stumbled upon this fact (well really articulated it) when getting into a chat with the roomie the other night. We have lots of interesting talks quite often, and they all make me think – some more deeply than others. Like most other inhabitants on the planet, being the new year, we all seem to try to think of something to give up, to take on, or to try. You and I both know that more often than not, we have abandoned these ideals by late February and if some of us are even more steadfast we can stick it till March :).
So the roomie and I were discussing our latest romantic endeavors and the fact that both of us are currently surrounded by people we would not expect to have met or be spending time with. After tossing around her scenario for a bit, I told her what one of my friends had said to me. Teasing me, he joked with me that I’d either stop seeing him fairly shortly because he was “too put together” or that we’d become joined at the hip and I’d end up practically living with him in a few months “because that’s what you always seem to do”.
When he said this to me, I made a face to swallow the slice I felt to my heart. It was so sad to see that someone I feel closest to felt it ok to belittle me with a topic I have struggled with for much of my life. I made a mental note that he was now one that wouldn’t have access to that topic. And yet still, I went to my internal drawing board and decided to take the box down labeled “Love Life”. As I mentally opened it, I am challenged to face a cascade of emotions. Happiness, Sadness, Joy, Fear, Loneliness all hang out there.
Typically, as I’ve said in other posts over the years, I tend to date men who have a fairly great level of damage that they greet me with. (See my other posts about my lovely choices and romantic partners a little over 7 years ago or finally knowing what a bad boyfriend looks like) This one, not so much. He has a car, he has a really good job, a house and a boat even. He hasn’t once asked me to do his laundry, call a creditor, solve some other catastrophic skeleton in his closet that he left in there until it popped out by sheer force like the jack in the box that scares the shit out of you at 3 am. He drives an hour each way to see me and doesn’t ask for gas money or act incredibly put out that he does it.
… And that all terrifies me….
See, we all wish for a guy like him, and then he appears, and those of us with tons of holes to work on suddenly go, “Ah, Snap”. When we can’t use the things that we normally do to feel of value in relationships, (cook, clean, etc etc) that means we ACTUALLY HAVE TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT SOMEONE MIGHT JUST LIKE US PURELY FOR OUR COMPANY. And as we grapple with this fact, our holes begin to show. All of us are full of holes…whether we acknowledge them or not, they travel around with us. The places we feel unworthy, mismanaged, unrefined. Some fill it with food, some fill it with alcohol, sex, or drugs. We hide it behind makeup, accomplishment, humor. Anything to not feel it, not face it, or to truly acknowledge it and begin the process of healing.
The great part though is in realizing how like cheese I am, I have the ability to change it. Realization coupled with the new year allows us to consider the things that we struggle with, to employ our sense of agency and work to repair the places that hurt. To change the belief that we are unworthy. That our differences make us unattractive or too different. That our choices have to become the web that holds us where we are now. And so, sitting writing this to you, I resolve less to be like cheese and I am not referencing the smelly parts of it. I resolve to see the bright side of things. To continue to look in the mirror at least a few moments a day and see the bright, creative, generous woman that stares back at me. The one that others see and try to convince me is there…this year and from here forward I aim to believe them.