….I was laying on my bedroom floor trying not to die. Or maybe trying to die because I wasn’t sure how I would go on from the moment I had just experienced. That day, the day when fist met my chest, my chest wall disconnected and so did the reality that I had known for so long. I was so scared and disoriented, I sent him to the gym while I called a locksmith to change the locks and a friend to get me out of there. This was never something I expected to happen to me, so my brain did not even register to immediately call the police.
Strangely, now, in retrospect of course, I call this one of the best days of my life because it allowed me freedom to end the cycle of abuse that had secretly, consciously and unconsciously taken over a good heap of my life and relationship. I had somehow lost the girl that I was before I knew him, and lived as her shadow that just wanted to make it through one day at a time simply surviving. I can’t tell you what my actual plan for my life was in the long term or if I even had one.
I can tell you though, that the Universe had one and it wasn’t about to let me waste one more day hiding in my house from life or any of the other great things it had and has in store for me. It also, most certainly, was not going to let the man with his hands around my neck that threw me about like a rag doll win. It was almost like time stopped as most of the fight seemed to exit out of me, but what my abuser didn’t realize was that I wasn’t quitting because he had “Won”. I was playing dead because the Universe told me to. Clearly, it communicated the importance of lying still and not fighting back despite the urge. To stump him long enough to get him to stop and then leave from the scene. I can say unequivocally that The Universe’s advice is what allows me to type this to you. I am grateful that so many times, over and over when people ask me how I know that there is a God, I can point them to this very real and very memorable moment in my life and say, “I’d stake my life on it.”
The stillness and presence of mind was definitely not me in the moment that I was being punched and flung about. My natural fight or flight was in full force that day as I attempted to fend off a 300 lb man as a 110 lb woman. For some of you, this may be a bit close to home and if it is please use resources and/or get help. (Some help can be found here: http://www.thehotline.org/ ). Contrary to popular belief, abuse exists in many different ways and effects people in all walks of life. No one is immune and you shouldn’t be ashamed if you need help (I say this from here now because I know that I was and I wished I could give my “former self” confidence to move out and on faster but if I help just one reader, I feel good about it.
I don’t want you all to read this post and feel one moment of sorrow for me, but instead read it and see how I am eternally grateful for this defining moment in my life. The Universe used its powers of Goodness, Light, and Hope to inspire me to hang on for that extra moment. To believe that there was better beyond that instance and challenge. To promise me, if I would be brave enough to believe beyond that sucky moment, it would help me to achieve things beyond my dreams.
Good news, It makes that same promise to you as you face challenges and changes that you feel unprepared for. The Light and Hope in the world wants to embrace you in the moments that you are weak or afraid. To bolster you past the moments you feel that you have met your limits or hit your walls. There is greatness out there for you. It believes in you even before you do …Will you listen and believe too?