For my entire life, my grandmother and mother have always liked to say, “hindsight is 20/20”. I always used to wrinkle my nose and give them the whatever look. Now that I am an adult…I’d have to….agree. I know, I know. Holy cow coming from me if you’ve read any of my prior entries. When it comes to relationships, they seem to have a point. They weren’t huge fans of my boyfriends before I ever noticed. Even given the fact that I was a late “relationship bloomer” I have still managed to pick some real winners. If this me, could speak to the “former me” and the interesting crowd I surrounded myself with for far too long I’d have plenty to say.
To the the cheater…no, you did not take your pants off with another female in the room because you thought they were too loud (true, real life excuse he gave me upon me entering the room to find him in boxers and her on my couch WINNER I tell you!). I should have known no matter how many times that he insisted that hey were just friends or that “she didn’t boys”, she did like boys and she liked mine in fact.
To the money moocher….no one should ever call you out of your name in public or do things that humiliate you in a crowded grocery aisle. EVER. He has an ivy league education, yet only supports himself with seasonal sports team work and assumes that you will pick up the slack. So not ok. My bank account is not yours. Get one of your own and learn to manage it.
To the one who moved directly from his parents to my house. I am not your mother or your maid. It is not my job to clean up after you and ensure that you want for nothing (although the girl that was me, might have thought so for awhile).
To the one who attempted to beat me to death, push me out of a moving car and throw me through french doors… I am not a rag doll. Something far greater than You made me so it isn’t yours to take away. No matter how you try to punish me in some sick way that punishes the you inside you hate but cannot articulate, you will never win. Nor will you extinguish your own pain by squeezing the happiness and life out of something you claim to Love.
I am so very lucky that years later I have grown past the girl who allowed for all of this poor behavior. I am glad that the greater He had patience with me and brought me through the challenges that I sometimes walked myself right into, even when I could see the writing on the wall. (I have a perpetual disease of seeing the best in EVERYONE, but now have gained the wisdom to understand that isn’t always my job).
Be confident that He has a hand on things, but He also gives you a little thing called Freewill. If you can’t listen to your own inner voice, listen to mine that I ignored for so long…get off of the couch. Out of the bad situation. Learn to listen to the still small voice. YOU ARE WORTH IT. He does not take kindly to someone wasting the kind, wonderful, and fearfully made creature that is you. Your job is to merely breathe and begin to acknowledge the fact that He did not create you to be overlooked. To be under-appreciated. Start small. Walk by a mirror. Look into it. Smile. Start to repeat to yourself the things that you think that He’d say to you if you were standing face to face. (Can’t think of anything? I can. Hello. I love you. Look at the way your eyes sparkle. I can see the depth of your heart there). Begin to see yourself as He sees you. At first it might only be for a fleeting moment, but focus on stretching that moment into minutes, those minutes into hours and hours into days. Soon (hopefully), those days will translate into a greater portion of your lifetime. Hopefully this shift in thought will help you in ways you never thought possible.
Hopefully soon, you will see a transformation in your life and in the way you go about things. It won’t take 10 years for you to see the bad boyfriend, the abusive co-worker,or the relationsship that has run its course. You will learn that saying no is not a failure, but a triumph. That standing up for yourself is a good thing and doesn’t mean that you are pushy or bratty. It means that you are simply doing right by Him .