oh she of little faith

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So I’m scared. Ok, maybe not even that. Maybe I’m a little combo of scared and scarred.  They both do a whopper on the mind at times.

 So I’m putting away the dishes a bit ago checking off in my head all the things that have been unsettling me his week (great way to start the day don’t ya think — NOT…. In my defense it started all subconsciously). Anyway, there are some big changes coming in my life and others that need to be made made and I am struggling not to fight against then EVEN IF in my logical mind I know it’s time. 

I’ve had my cute little condo in Anytown for 13 years now.  My starter digs that was supposed to be a jump off point for something greater is still mine after all these years.  It has stood silent witness to so much  nice and not so nice boyfriends, a marriage, a divorce, new love, and an economic crisis. And now it’s finally time for that something greater and I’m scared.  Honestly, I didn’t realize what time it actually was until physically sitting here and typing this out to you… I love how the Universe works. Perhaps because of the passage of time, or the fact that this gateway to greater doesn’t look like I thought it would, I nearly just missed my significant opportunity for joy in the process.

Sometimes, I get so clouded in doubt, it blinds me to the fact that the Universe has my back. Of course, I have to do a bit of the legwork, but in general mostly I need to contribute the faith and the path will straighten.   It’s like Paulo Coelho says in The Alchemist, “and when you want something, all the Universe conspires in helping you to achieve it”. 

That is if I allow it to. Paulo also says in that same book, “There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve, the fear of failure.” Yep that’s me. Standing in my own way and piling up the list of reasons why I shouldn’t make the transition now. No public transit, farther and less convenient from work, different neighborhood, further from friends. Not driving. 

Oh she of little faith, why must you constantly doubt yourself…. Who went to school like every other child  despite your difference and rose to the top of your classes. Who challenged stereotypes and hatred because you had to, not directly but by succeeding in defiance. You who managed to pull yourself off a floor badly beaten and yet not defeated? Who changed countries for love only to return certainly more broke and perhaps temporarily broken yet oddly optimistic. 

Oh she of little faith, the Universe reminds me. You who came back here with no job because you felt called back. Who continued to listen and found your current job because of a billboard and an email titled, “A shot in the dark”? THAT IS THE YOU WE SET THE SPARK IN SO LONG AGO. 

Challenges never end because they serve to make you better and brighter. They are an opportunity to grow and glow with possibility of restoring faith and perhaps creating some (to whatever it is that you cling to), being kind and gentle.

Perhaps this house switch is the Universe turning up the volume on the DRIVE NOW request because I’ve found 6 ways to Sunday justifying why I don’t do it, including Uber and Lyft, despite I have a car, insurance, and a permit. I’m secretly –or not so secretly– afraid I’ll take out cars or people or both in my learning curve… And so I can’t move…on in that or away from this place…Oh she of little faith, I hear the ripple. How will you ever get to greater oceans if we can’t get you out of the kiddie pool. My grandmother didn’t learn to drive till she was 52 after my grandfather had heart attacks, but I don’t want to wait till I’m that old or something catastrophic happens.

I’m ready to head again to “she, in faith, conspired with the Universe for the next stage of greatness.”We all have it and we all deserve it. What is holding you back and/or in? What would happened if you let go of the fear and instead leaned in with trust? Where will your next adventure be? I can’t wait to see. 

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