wow. It has been so very long since I’ve visited, but perhaps in the last few months I’ve been taking a life break and working and just living. I haven’t been taking thetime to meditate and write, but as we creep up on yet another year for me I aim to do better and be better. We still hav much to discuss – I feel it in my heart.
It’s rather appropriate that I’d pick back up on this entry — as a primary diversion of my time has been a very kindhearted boyfriend thhat continues to help me grow in my journey. But we must pick up this entry where I left off months ago — perhaps now with a different mindset.
My best friend and I were talking last night about her cousin who I dated for awhile. I adored (adore?) him, and we went our separate ways only because we lived on two sides of the country. We couldn’t manage to get in the same place and time no matter what plans we made, and so we decided that, maybe, despite the angst that it caused for both of us, we should go our separate ways. This broke my heart. I didn’t want to let him go, as I had never met somone like him. I felt stupid for letting him go and that little voice in the backof my head told me that I was being stupid and not patient. And yet in my heart and head at the time it was the right thing to do as both he and I got more and more uncomfortable with timelines and seemingly impossible distances.
There were moments that I felt intolerent and childish. That I wished for some sort of influence to move the time and space between us and just have it the way that i wanted it – the dreamy happy ever after I’d lay in bed and invent for he and I. The perfect life, the dogs and matching sweaters. And then one day, I woke up and grew up it seemed. In that moment I realized something. Even if I could move things around, that would be selfish because that would force my gain to become a loss of something wonderful for him. If ever, even just for a moment, I had truely and selflessly loved him, I couldn’t take from him the opportunity for whatever life and happiness now stood before him. Love isn’t always flowers and hearts and bubbles and such, sometimes it is releasing the thing you feel you can’t live without and watching it flourish and accomplish all the things you hoped to do together. It’s realizing perhaps even just in being associated, you gave each other the support and love to get to the next stop in the journey.
And now, writing this months later, I can tell you that he married another young lady , and I can only hope he is happy and enjoying his time. I’m quiet sure that he is making the most of his life, and I am so glad that my sense of loss didn’t make me take away his happy. Afterall, I too now have found a partner that I really enjoy spending time with, and feel confident that we will spend more than a little time together. Just think, if I had never allowed us (cousin and I ) to come to a place of what felt like a loss, we would never have found our places of current triumph. So do your self a favor, check your perspective before you stomp your feet about a seeming loss, for in the end, it really may turn out to be a gain for each of you.